


Rock Bottom

by Deebubble8



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29004648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deebubble8/pseuds/Deebubble8
Summary: This is written from Charity's perspective and her thoughts on her current and future situation. One original character ..Lisa Groves.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 17
Kudos: 41





	1. What am i doing  ?

Rock Bottom

This story is from Charity’s thoughts on the devastation around her actions. And how she deals with the aftermath.

Chapter 1 

I’m so hungry, This coffee is hot but I need some toast anything just to take away the empty feeling in my stomach. It must be two days now since I last ate. The problem is I haven’t got enough money for food and booze. Still booze comes top, anything that will take away this pain.  
Its been a couple of weeks now since I left the pub after Chas shouting at me to get out. I didn’t really bring enough warm clothes but what do I care.  
Moses is happy with Ross, Debbie is barely speaking to me, I haven’t heard from Ryan and Noah wants nothing to do with me. The worst of it is still miss them all so much. How many people can I miss. There’s Vanessa, Johnny , Noah , Debbie ,Sarah ,Jack ,Ryan and Moses, even my useless family. I really don’t deserve anyone.  
I have always known that I mess things up in my life and I could cope with that because I never felt worthy of anything better, but then came Ness and everything changed and just for a lovely, gorgeous hope filled time I thought maybe I did. That of course wasn’t enough to stop my bloody stupid brain overthinking and coming out with the wrong idea. So here I sit no idea what I’m gonna do now. What’s the point.  
“Oi have you finished your drink , It isn’t a doss house you know. Off with you”  
“ Oh charming.”  
Right where else can I go that will be warm, maybe I should have had some friends over the years, I might have had somewhere to go now. It really has been a shitty year with Ness getting cancer then me trashing every bloody thing I love. Why do I do it. Well at least this bench is ok for a while. It might be cold but at least it’s not raining.  
“ Hi luv you working ?”  
“ You what ?”  
“ I said are you working, what are your rates ?”  
“ Really”  
Oh who am I kidding , its not the first time, maybe I could afford a room tonight then.  
“ What you want mate ?”  
“ Just a straight forward fuck girl, you up for it”  
Call it 50 , I haven’t got a room , but you can have me against the wall , there is an alley over there.”  
“ Yeah ok sounds good to me, lets go.”  
“ How’s here then, Lets get the payment out the way mate”  
“ Here you are, right luv get your knickers down then, I ain’t doing romance.”  
Shit I haven’t run like this in too long, I am nowhere near fit enough but as I stood there listening to him and the money was in my hand I suddenly could hear Ness’s voice as clear as day saying “ You are worth so much more than this“ And I just ran. I think I have lost him. God I’m too old for this crap. What the hell am I doing. I suppose just sitting on the streets of Hotten day in and day out I can’t blame him thinking I was on the game. I did used to be. How on earth have ended up back here. I worked so hard to get out of that life. Oh ok I schemed and scammed my way out, and married a few men for money. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel good about it. I quite enjoyed the scamming at least I felt in control of that. It was probably the first time I felt in control anything in my life. Debbie had been taken off me and Ryan had died, or so I thought and again if it wasn’t for Ness I would never have found him. Oh I know Chas can tell me all she likes it was me. I know it wasn’t I could never have done all that with out her. What was the point of it all now. Maybe I would get to see Ryan again , just not while I’m like this. Who am I kidding its not likely I will be anything but this now. Nowhere to sleep or wash or be warm. This £50 will get me some food and some vodka. That will have to do for now. I really have no idea what to do next.  
It was a shitty night under that bridge, some guy kept trying to nick my bottle. Hardly had any sleep. I need to find somewhere else.  
Maybe I could phone Ryan and he would give me somewhere to sleep or enough cash for a small bed sit and I could get a job. Who the hell am I kidding. Who would employ a fuck up like me. No I guess I’m on my own.   
Again Ness’s voice came into my head “ I will always be here for you”.  
No you won’t I nearly screamed it out loud. Why am I being tortured with her voice the one person in this crap world that really loved me. Why didn’t she just come home I could have talked her round. She wouldn’t have deserved it but I’m sure I could have. Because I know in my heart, she really did love me. Why the hell does my brain always trick me. Am I mad, well probably. I know that she will never be out of my mind or my heart cause she is the only person I have ever truly loved and I ache for her gentleness and kindness and to see her look at me with love in her eyes. To have all my kids, and I mean all of my kids around me and grandkids, and Ness to be happy again. Did I really only deserve three happy years in my entire bloody life. Jesus I’m crying in public now. I didn’t think I had any tears left.  
“ Excuse me luv are you Ok ?”  
‘Don’t say you are ok if you are not ok ‘, There she goes again getting in my head.  
I look at the kind looking woman who is speaking to me.  
“ No actually I’m not “.  
“ Is there anything I can do to help, My name is Lisa “  
“ Lisa,” I smile “ That’s the name of someone I loved and miss a lot she would know what to do now. I really don’t know I have made a mess of my live and I have no one to blame but myself.”  
“ Well I’m sure luv it can be put right, there’s nothing in this world that cant be sorted “  
“ I don’t think so I’m afraid I really have trashed everything”.  
“ Do you want to come and get warm and I will buy you a cuppa maybe you could tell me a little about it ?”  
Ok she might be an axe murderer, but I don’t think so and warmth and cuppa sounds good right now. “ Ok thank you that’s very kind of you.”  
Well the cuppa tea is nice and I have a toasted tea cake so its all good. Lisa is sitting opposite and waiting for me to say something other than thank you.  
“ I have no idea where to begin to be honest, I could start with what caused the latest disaster but I guess if I’m really honest it goes back a lot further.”  
“ Look I don’t mean to scare you off , but I do have some experience in this field.”  
“ And what field would that be then “ I’m feeling defensive now, what have I got myself into.  
“ I am a counsellor at the local drop in centre and also specialise in family and personal trauma”  
“ Well thanks for the tea, but I don’t need any do gooders getting all judgemental about my life thank you very much I can deal with things myself “.  
There it is Ness’s voice load and clear ‘ And how’s that working out for you then.’   
“ Well look here is my card if you change your mind then get in touch. I just thought you looked as if you had the world on your shoulders just now and you were cold too. But no harm no fowl. Take care, Sorry what is your name ?”  
“ Charity “  
“ Well take care Charity.”  
“ Yeah you too Lisa, Thanks for the tea and tea cake.”  
I couldn’t get out of there quick enough. I bet she was a bible basher as well that’s the last thing I need. I better find somewhere I don’t look like sad case sitting. Its starting to get dark and a bit of rain is falling now. I hate winter this is so much easier in the summer. Well at least I have an idea of somewhere safer to sleep tonight.  
I feel better this morning I had a better sleep. It wasn’t long but a couple hours without worrying about being robbed or attacked helps my mood a little.  
I still have enough for a bit of breakfast at the van down by the industrial units. That always helps with my mood. I can cope with most of this, What I cant seem to shake is this lonely feeling deep down in my soul. Like I’m all alone in the world. But I guess I am aren’t I . I cant help but let my mind drift back to happy times and the kids screaming with laughter and fun. I would give anything to go back to those times and understand before I acted what it would be like without the family I love so much. Even after Vanessa and Johnny left I still could have kept the family together then maybe there would have been something for Ness to come back to. If she ever wanted to. If she came back now what on earth would she think of me. I had wanted to keep everything together I just didn’t seem to be able to . I couldn’t get past the all-consuming pain I felt at all the loss.  
Maybe I really couldn’t just deal with this by myself. Maybe I really did need help. I cant have done anything right if I still find myself with nothing at this point in my life.  
If I had any credit I might have phoned Lisa or texted her maybe. My phone had been cut off a few days ago as the bill hadn’t been paid in a couple of months. So the only thing I could do is use the last of my money and go to an internet café and send an email to the address or use a pay phone. Most of the phone boxes have been vandalised so email it is then. I have asked her to meet me as I can’t get a reply. I have suggested the café she took me to at 11 am tomorrow. Now I have to wait to see what happens then.   
God I would feel so much better if I could just find somewhere out of the cold to sleep. The cold has seeped into my bones and I can’t get it out. This is so much harder than when I was a youngster. So much worse having built I life I actually loved. Only to find myself in the gutter again.  
I’m sitting hunched up against a wall on the pavement just by the café and its nearly 11 am , I’m looking both ways to see if I can see Lisa. Ah here she comes at least I will get a hot brew and maybe something to eat even if this is a waste of time.  
“ Hello Charity I was so pleased to hear from you.”  
“ I wasn’t sure you would come, I’m sorry if I was rude yesterday. I’m not really very good at talking. I have always thought it was pointless.”  
“ What changed your mind then ? “  
“ Something my fiancé said a while back.”  
“ So you have a fiancé , do you talk to him.”  
“ Her and actually ex-Fiancé”  
“ Charity that was unforgivable I should not have made such an assumption.”  
“ Hey its ok how would you know.”  
“ Would you like a breakfast with your tea.”  
Well that was a good guess, so this wont be a complete waste of time as I suspected. And as for the talking I can try and give it a go. It’s not like talking will change anything is it ?

To be continued


	2. 2

Chapter 2

Its quite a nice breakfast and as I am really hungry it goes down a treat. Lisa is sipping her tea waiting for me to say something.  
“ Do you want me to start with what happened to bring me back to the streets or do I go further back to all the other shit I have had as a life ?”  
“ Shall we just start with the recent troubles and go from there. Are you ok talking here or do you want to go somewhere more private ?”  
“ I’m probably going to blub a bit so maybe more private would be best.”  
“ Ok lets finish our tea and I have an office near by.”  
Well lets hope then she isn’t a axe murderer, I don’t really think she is though.  
We walk a little way down the street then up another and finally we stop at a door that leads to a nice waiting room and office, all very calming in colours and atmosphere, sort of thing I would expect really.  
“ Is this where you work for the drop in centre then ?”  
“ No I do some shifts at the centre its self, this is where I see other clients.”  
“ Hang on how much does this cost cause I am skint.”  
“ No Charity there is no charge for this, I just want to see if I can help at all.”  
“ Surely if you do this a lot you cant make any money at all, I don’t understand.”  
“ You are very sceptical aren’t you, have you always struggled to accept help ?”  
“ Yes I think so, don’t think I could even tell you why, but I really don’t trust anyone.”  
“ Did you trust your Fiancée ?”  
“ Not at first no , but she just kept being there and believing in me. She is the only person who ever really has. Even though she knew how hard and worthless I am.”  
“ I cant imagine that you are worthless. And I am assuming your life has made you hard. Tell me about her, What’s her name ?”  
Vanessa, I usually call her Ness. Sorry I did call her Ness.”  
“ So can you tell me what happened.”  
“ I screwed up like I always do, I seem to just have something I love and I smash it all to bits. Then to be honest everything else just fell apart too. I cant live with out her and our little Johnnybobs.”  
“ How did you do that then ?”  
“ Oh god where to start. Just over three years ago, although we knew each other it was really just over the bar I own half of with my cousin Chas. We had an occasion to get locked in the cellar together. She was having a go at me for being a bitch and we were both very drunk after a bit and I kissed her to shut her up. That kiss changed both of our lives. I avoided it at first and kept pushing her away but I was falling for her. She was always honest with me, didn’t stand for my shit and just loved me no matter what I did. I then went through something that came up from my past that was huge for me and still she stood right by me even though I treated her badly. Sometime after the end of this I told her I loved her. And I do , for the very first time in my life I really truly love someone else who isn’t one of my kids.”  
“ You have children and who is Johnnybobs, is he one of your kids ?”  
“ I will get there Lisa just let me try do this. We ended up living together. Nothing was ever easy and after she got attacked and I thought I was going to loose her I asked her to marry me and I couldn’t believe she said yes. We managed to get a little house for us thanks to my oldest and things were really good. Ness’s dad died and I was there for her and she really appreciated that, but behind her back I had got involved with a scam and when she found out she dumped me. I didn’t know what to do so I just kept going and tried fighting for her and we still talked about the kids etc and after a week I managed to get her back and she came home. We should have got married, On the wedding day one of my boys got himself in some trouble and I left Ness stood at the registry office. We even were getting through that when a bloody nutter took her and for nearly two weeks I had no idea what she was doing. We all thought she had gone on our honeymoon to get away from me. When we all finally realised what had happened and the police freed her I was beside myself. When she came home from the hospital my world crumbled when she told me that just before this guy took her she had found out she had bowl cancer. We had quite a rough time on and off with her operation and chemo. The Covid hit and we went up to Scotland to isolate as she was still having chemo. I then left her at her Mums when we could travel and I came home. That’s the last time I saw her in person. During the time we were apart I adopted her little boy Johnny and was excited for her to come home. She stayed there longer as her mum fell and broke her hip so it must have been 4 months before I saw her briefly again at the hearing to finalise the adoption. She promised she would come after the hearing, when we were there she was distant and barely spoke to me then dashed off instead of coming back with me. To my shame I was devastated I got it into my head she was done with me and I got upset and ended up kissing some stupid bloke. Then I heard from Ness saying she had been off cause she had an appointment at the hospital to go over how the treatment had gone and she had the all clear and she was coming home the next day. I was so ashamed but over the moon she was coming home. But her sister saw the kiss took a picture and sent it to Ness and she facetimed me the next day when I thought she was ion her way . She looked so awful and angry , she dumped me and I went racing up to her mums causing a scene begging her to forgive me. She said she never wanted to see me again. Since then she has put that in a letter too and enclosed her engagement ring. I simply fell apart and drank all the time. I have never known pain like this and I have had a lot of pain in my life. Family just told me to get a grip and worse. I ended up sleeping with the stupid guy I kissed and did a couple of scams with him, nearly getting my son sent to prison so my kids all turned there backs on me and the final straw was after my oldest threw me out of the house we lived in my cousin got sick of me at the pub to and kicked me out of there. I have been on the streets a couple of weeks now. Back in the gutter where I belong”  
“ Wow that is an enormous amount of things to happen to one person or even both of you as a couple in three years. I am amazed you coped so well with most of it. Tell me about your children and Johnny of course , do I assume you are still his other Mum.”  
“Yes I think so , unless Ness could undo it. Debbie is nearly 30 , Ryan is 28 , Noah is 17 and Moses is 4. Johnny is also 4. I miss them all so much. I just couldn’t cope with them. Moses is with his Dad and Noah is staying with family and speaking to me. Ryan I haven’t heard from and Debbie is also furious with me . they all just wanted me gone.”  
“ Well lets address the elephant in the room. Where is Vanessa now, do you know.”  
“ As far as I know she is still at her Mums , she might have got Johnny and her somewhere to live but she still is a partner in the local vets. She is a vet.”  
“ Do you know why you kissed this guy. And then why you slept with him.?”  
“ I was crying in my car and all over the place. As I pulled away from the layby a car hit me and this guy Mac was driving, we had a heated exchange of words and he started flirting. I actually have no idea why I kissed him all I know is that I pulled back and regretted it immediately and felt ashamed. I went and slept with him cause he kept being flirty and kept trying and to be honest I was pretty drunk most of the time. I hated myself after. I don’t like myself at the best of times and I was never ever good enough for Ness and I am a rubbish Mum so they are all better off without me.”  
“ Can I say having listened to what you have told me so far and guessing this is just scratching the surface. The way you feel about yourself is a very large part of your behaviours. Look would you let me help you. I don’t want anything for it, I would however like to use your case as a case study. You will not be named and no one else’s name will be used and some of the circumstances will be changed to protect you. But I think it would be a fair exchange. I have a place you can stay to get you off the street and if you are prepared to work with me say three times a week. Do you think you could do that or want to do that Charity ?”   
“ I have to say you are quite easy to talk to but I really don’t see what it will change. Somewhere to stay sounds amazing so why not.”  
“ That’s marvellous , let me just go and make a couple of calls I will be back.”  
Well this is a result a bed and warmth I hope, its got to be better than the last couple of weeks. I just hope this is on the up and up . I feel ok , im just hoping it isn’t anything like Bails. No surely not this woman seem to kind. But why is she helping me. Should I make a run for it. If I did where would I go. Lets see what happens.  
“ Right here I am , this is an address I want you to go to it’s a house with individual rooms. They all have ensuites, but you all share a main kitchen. It is for people coming off the streets so there are rules. No drugs or alcohol in the house at al. If you are caught with any you will be asked to leave. Secondly no visitors to your room. Only in the common areas during the day time. Do you think you can handle that.”  
“ Look Lisa I am pretty much using alcohol to numb myself right now, can I drink away from the house and then return ?”  
“ Yes if you must, but you must be completely intoxicated when you return and I am really hoping Charity as we proceed you will need it less and less.”  
“ Yeah I think I can live with that .what’s the address.”   
“ Here you go and I want you to come back here the day after tomorrow at 3pm. Is that ok for you. The room goes with the therapy so please turn up.”  
“ Yep I think I can clear my hectic diary. Thank you Lisa I do appreciate what you are trying to d. Think you will find I’m a lost cause .”  
“ I don’t think anyone is a lost cause. Ever.”  
Right now how far is this blooming house. I feel like I have walked miles already today. I feel exhausted. Finally. Looks nice I love old Victorian terraces.   
The bunch of people seem ok and the room is quite cosy. Nice little shower room and a desk with a kettle and a microwave and even got a tele. The best part is its warm and the bed feels comfy. I can do this for a bit while I come up with a plan. I just need to lie down for a bit.

( Back at Lisa’s office she is making a phone call…” Yes I have found her. She is not too bad as she has been on the streets for a few weeks. She has opened up a little but I feel this is going to be quite a bit of work just to get her to open any further. She has obviously had a great deal of trauma. Are you sure that you don’t want her to know you wanted me to find her.” “ No ok I understand. Are you ever going to tell her.” “ Yes I understand. I will of course update you on her progress even though I must say again I will not be able to tell anything that we discuss or any diagnosis.”  
“ I will speak to you next week, bye for now.” )

To be continued……..


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

Waking up in a warm bed is so luxurious I haven’t had this in a little while. It feels great I enjoyed a nice hot cuppa in bed after using the kettle on the little desk and someone one put some milk in the tiny fridge in the room. This is amazing after the past few weeks cold and wet and hungry times. Lisa has been brilliant after our first session she had me filing out forms to get me a little money for food etc. Maybe this can be the plan for as long as Lisa thinks this is helping, I can stay here. Today I don’t have to see Lisa so I am enjoying having some of my own space and some quiet time. As I have an emergency payment that I can cash at the post office I get up and dressed and out the door before 10am. Once I have got that I go and buy food I can deal with in my room as I have a microwave, kettle and fridge. Thanks to people’s kindness I am feeling a little more human today and get enough food for me for a week when I should start getting a monthly amount sent to my account. With a bit of left over cash instead of buying booze I actually buy a book I have fancied reading and put a small amount of credit on a new sim card to put in my phone. When I feel ready I can let some of my family know my new number. But not yet.  
I really enjoyed the day, reading and watching the little tv. Its been a long time since I did this, well at least sober anyway. My mind constantly thinks of my kids and Ness wondering how they are all doing and how much they probably all hate me. And yet I love them all so much. If only I wasn’t a screw up.  
Walking back to see Lisa on the next day I find I am not dreading it as much as I thought I would. She smiles as she sees me arrive on time and looking better than the last time she saw me.   
“ Morning Charity, you are looking so much better today “  
“ Hi Lisa I have settled in and it’s amazing what two nights off the street can do for you.”  
“ Good I’m pleased its helping you. Do you feel better about things.”  
“ Well im not sure I feel better about a lot, but I do feel better in myself after proper sleep and more regular food and drinks.”  
“ Did you buy alcohol with your payment ?”  
“ Actually I didn’t there was some other stuff I wanted and I didn’t have much.”  
“ Im so pleased that it wasn’t a must have for you. Ok lets get started. What I feel runs through everything you told me the other day was the feeling that you are worth nothing and I think it would be a good place to start as to when that started”.  
“ That goes all the way back as far as I can remember”  
“ Do you have any idea why you felt that even as a child then “  
“ My Mum and Dad argued a lot , my Dad was always drunk and abusive to my Mum. I cant remember exactly what age I was but I think I was 8 or 9 when I can home from school and my Dad told me my Mum had died. I found it really hard to understand so I kept asking my Dad what had happened, He got angry and just said she died of Cancer. From then on he was always shouting at me , telling me I was useless and a pain in the arse. He still drank all the time and I basically looked after him. Problem was whatever I did was never the right way or the right thing. Then I screwed up like he said I would and got pregnant at 13. He went crazy at me and when I was due to have the baby he left me at the hospital and went to the pub. When I came home he took me to see a family friend Pat and just handed Debbie over to here and we left. I cried so much I just wanted my daughter. With every passing day that emptiness grew and grew and I started playing up even more to get his attention , and I got that all right cause he just had enough and threw me out of the house.”  
“ That’s a very difficult start Charity. I can see where these feelings come from , Can you tell me what followed and why you never felt worth anything once you were grown up and leading your own life “.  
“ This is the part I really don’t like re hashing so I am going to do this in short form Ok. I went from parts of the family to other parts until everyone had had enough of me. I ended up on my 14th birthday in a hostel in Leeds. Then the money ran out. When I realised I was qualified to do nothing and too young to work I met some girls and started working on the streets. It was better than starving but to be honest only just. I met a copper who took me under his wing and promised to look after me. Now I am hoping you saw this court case in the papers about 2 years ago and I don’t have to go through that again.”  
“ Yes I do remember the case, so that was you. What had happened in between to bring you to a place you could do that.”  
“ I made a lot of bad decisions, When I ran away from him I got in trouble for stealing his car and as I already had charges for prostitution I was not believed . I went back on the streets and got myself a pimp. I met a guy called Chris who was rich and, in a wheelchair, we got close and I was fond of him. He lived near part of my family and I had gone there as my cousin had died. I ended up marrying him. I cheated on him with his sister who was using me to get back at him. Also, a brief fling with my Cousin who was Debbie’s Dad. At this time Debbie came to find me and we started building a relationship. Chris found all this too much and didn’t tell me he was dying, he just killed himself in front of me and framed me for murder. I went to prison and it was a while before the truth came out and I was released. When I was in jail I had my son Noah and I used him to persuade Zoe to tell the truth and get me out.”  
“ You really have had a very tough time. That definitely is starting to build up a picture for me . What happened when you came out.”  
“ I got Noah back and got on with things for a bit. I was dead set on marrying money again and getting us some security. So I got a job at the local haulage company and set my sights on the owner Tom King. Again it didn’t work out because my psyco cousin tried to mess it up with his daughter in law by setting me up with a kiss. Long story short I managed to get a load of money and Noah and I left the village and started again. I then met a chap called Michael and agreed to marry him again nice amount of money and he loved Noah> Standing in the church all done up and Debbie and Cain ( her dad) come in . it only turns out she has been having an affair with him. So life trashed again and Debbie and I at logger heads.”  
“ Well Charity thank you you are really giving me a good idea of the traumas you have had in your life. I think for today that is enough . If it is ok with you I can see you tomorrow and carry on.”  
“ Yes what time suits you .”  
“ Can you do 12.30 tomorrow . “  
“ Yes that’s fine I will see you then.”  
As I leave Lisa’s office I am surprised how tired I feel and flat, even a little upset. This is strange when I know all the things that happened to me. As far as im concerned it’s the past and I don’t think about it much. Then I hear Ness saying load and clear Maybe you need to. Oh how she would love to hear me doing all this talking. God I miss her so much Why isn’t this getting any easier its months now and I still miss her like it was yesterday. Cain was right I have always just moved on. I know its because I have never loved anyone the way I still love her. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.

To be continued……..


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Its been a few weeks since I started seeing Lisa and even in my weirdest thoughts I never thought simply talking to someone I really don’t know would make me feel lighter. Ness would love this. Definitely with an “ I told you it would”. That’s the bit that hasn’t got any easier at all if anything I am missing her and Johnny more every day. This gut wrenching pain is all the time. Such a big part of my heart has been ripped out. According to Lisa as I begin to think more of myself this will help, to be honest I cant see how. On top of all that I have the pain of missing my other kids too, Moses and Noah even Debbie and I miss my talks with Ryan. Lisa says I might feel ready to go back and talk to them soon. I m not really sure about that.  
I am on my way to see her now and it doesn’t scare me the way it used to.  
“ Hi Lisa. How are you today “  
“ Hello Charity , I am very well thank you . How have you been since I saw you the other day ?”  
“ Not too bad thanks . I have thought a lot about what you said about never thinking anything of myself. And I think you may have a point. Sometimes it doesn’t seem to matter what I do it comes out wrong and I just think ‘ well what did you expect im just a screw up’ I think I spent the whole time I was with Ness thinking I would mess it and I did.”  
“ In fairness Charity that wasn’t all down to you, Ness could have kept you in the loop more. You need to understand why your first thought was that she didn’t want you . And this again goes back to this same thing. Your Mum leaving you and the way your Dad treated you started this feeling and nothing has changed it. In fact most of what has happened to you has just cemented that idea in your head.”  
“ Ness was the first person to actually show me kindness and I never realised I needed that. Lisa I love her and the kids so much. Do you think I can ever get them back ?”  
“ Your kids I am certain you can sort things out with. Where Ness and Johnny are concerned, Seeing Johnny will be up to Ness and you to work out and from what you have told me he adores you. Getting Ness back I really cant say. You can talk to her and help her to understand what was going on, you can show her how far you have come. Then im afraid will be up to her. I truly think even if it doesn’t work out she will want to know all this and maybe you can be friendly co parents and with time who knows.”  
“ Yes I see where you are going with this and I think I understand this might take time. She is it for me so I have to try. I think I need to be better than I am now though.”  
“ I agree, So where shall we start today. How are you doing with the exercises I gave you.”  
“ I feel a bit silly saying those things to myself, but I am doing it and maybe its starting to go in a little. I am reading a lot now and I have tried some self help books too. I find them a bit dry though.”  
“ Ok I can recommend a couple for you. Have you joined the local library ?”  
“ I never thought that’s a great idea. I have actually got myself a little job in the local shop. Not too many hours so it doesn’t effect my money and it just gets me out.”  
“ At some point you need to think about what you are going to do moving forward. Do you want to go back to working in the pub and being a business partner with your cousin.?”  
“ I haven’t really got any idea whats ahead. I do know I wont be returning to work at the Woolpack and I think its time to get Chas to sell my shares and maybe with that money I can start a new future.”  
Leaving Lisa’s office I have a great deal to think about. I don’t want to contact Chas or any of the family yet. I think maybe I can write to her and ask her to offer my shares for sale asap. With that feeling like a good idea. I nip into the shop on they way home and buy paper and some envelopes and stamps.  
First thing through the door I put the kettle on and sit down and write to Chas. I explain that even if I do return to the village anytime in the future I will not be returning to the Wollie so would she be able to find someone to buy my shares at a reasonable price at todays valuation which I will organise. That way she will see I am serious and I will also get to know the true value. There really is no going back. My so called family are really not a priority for me now and I cant continue to allow them to put me down all the time. Ness always said I deserved better. God I miss her. Having had a nice hot cuppa and finished the letter explaining that I was not telling anyone where I was yet but to tell the kids that I am ok and doing better. More importantly not drinking now. I post the letter before I change my mind. I know I need a fresh start.  
Three more weeks go past and I have settled into my new routine really well. In the shop I have got chatting to a few local people and a couple of the girls who live in the house and its been nice to have company. I have been out drinking with them and had a really good laugh and still not had alcohol. They also seem to be steering clear of it and that helps. Yesterday at the shop this guy asked me out. And me of all people didn’t know what to say. As im sober now the only thing that came into my head was the vision of Ness smiling at me and I just told him that I was already spoken for, but thanked him.Its strange how I feel that to be true even though its now quite a while since I have even spoken to her let alone seen her. But my heart belongs to only her and there doesn’t seem any point in disappointing myself trying to feel something with someone else. I tried that twice in the village , I was of course drinking a lot back then. Thankfully I can barely remember it and it makes me feel ashamed I even did it. Especially who I did it with.  
This morning I heard back from the surveyor I asked to give me a realistic price for my half of the Woolpack and I am pleasantly suprised by the result. I did ask him to share this information with Chas so she knew roughly what I was looking for. I have asked her also to send any mail to the drop in center and I get it there. I know that tells her I am in Hotten but hopefully she wont try to find me. I know they wont give out any information at the center. I am really hoping she can find a buyer as I have some thoughts as to what I might do next. I have always enjoyed property refurbishments and design of the interiors too. Just need to come up with the cash to start the business and a decent business plan. The one thing I am not is a fool and I have always known if I put my mind to it I can be successful. As I have more confidence now I am feeling good about this.   
After our meeting today I feel things are going well now with Lisa and some of what we talk about is really starting to make me feel better about myself and my future. The weeks seem to roll into each other and with each passing week  
The distance between me and my kids feels bigger. I know now its time to make contact with them. Talking to Lisa I think its best to contact the two eldest first , then Noah and Moses. Then try and contact Ness and see how the land lies to see Johnny. I phoned Ryan first.   
“ Ryan hi its Charity. I am so sorry its taken me so long to call and I hope I haven’t worried you too much. I would really like to meet up with you and Debbie if she didn’t go back to Scotland and explain what I have been doing. Would you be up for that ?”  
“ Mum I have been worried about you, you sound good. I wasn’t sure how you were coping as you were a right bloody mess when you left.”  
“ Sorry luv I know I was a mess and im sorry I worried you , I just haven’t been up to doing this till I had sorted myself out. I made such a mess of things when Vanessa left and its taken a while to sort my head.”  
“ Debbie is still in the village, She has been worried to you know. I will gladly meet up with you. Chas seems to think you are still local “  
“ Yes I am , I am in Hotten but I wont tell you where. I need to do this at my own speed. Please don’t say anything to the others yet Please. I will ring Debs and see how she feels. Please tell anyone im in touch I will explain why when I see you. Can you meet me tomorrow at lunch time ?”  
“ I think I can make that work, do you want me to get Debbie along with me.”  
“ Actually Ryan that would probably be a good idea, seeing as the last time she saw me she wasn’t very happy with me.”  
“ Ok Mum I will see you tomorrow, I will come even if I cant get Debs to Ok.”  
“ Thank you Ryan. I have really missed you all terribly.”  
“ Bye Mum. Missed you too “  
I still had the phone in my hand as I felt a surge of hope for tomorrow. A smile grew on my face …Maybe….

To be continued……


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

As I walk out of the house my stomach is all over the place, I couldn’t eat breakfast and I have no idea what I am going to say to them. I still don’t know if Debbie will be there. At least I knew Ryan would be there. Getting closer to the café I have arranged to meet at I can feel myself panicking and tempted to walk away. I didn’t and as I turned the corner I can see Ryan sitting by the window looking just as nervous. That helps me and I keep walking towards him. Giving him a very big hug I feel relief wash over me and suddenly I know what I want to say to him. We sit down and I have a coffee.  
“ Ryan I need to tell you what has been going on with me and this isn’t going to be easy. I need you to hear me out before you say anything please.”  
“ Ok I can do that.”  
“ The worst of this started when I lost Ness, the truth is it really started a long time before. But I will start with what happened more recently. With Ness at her Mum’s we started to feel distant and I didn’t realize but I started to struggle and the longer it went on the harder I was finding it. I cant even describe how lost I was feeling and I had a few drinks to sleep most nights. No one knew that cause it wasn’t obvious. When she didn’t come home the day I became Johnny’s Mum I lost it and I knew in myself she had stopped loving me. She had finally realized she could do so much better. And I kissed that idiot who was flirting cause I just needed to feel something. Well all I felt was shame. Then she called and the guilt was awful. Of course she then found out before she was back and you know the rest. I have never felt pain like that and I still feel. I miss her and Johnny so much and I just didn’t know how to cope. You know I hit the bottle and from that came all the mess and hurt I caused. I was living on the streets here for a couple of weeks and it was really hard, I just felt that was all I deserved and that you were all better off without me. An amazing lady called Lisa stopped one day and asked if I wanted a drink and shelter. Long story short she was a therapist and I have been seeing her 3 times a week for a couple of months now . I am learning about myself and altering behaviours and feeling so much better about myself. I miss all of you kids badly but need to be ready to see each of you. I assume Debs said no to meeting today ?”  
“ Wow that’s a lot for you to have gone through. As all I heard during that time was Noah saying you messed up with Ness and she dumped you and you have been your old mean self again. As I had no reference I was gonna wait and see you at Christmas then of course I didn’t come cause it all got cancelled. I wish you could have talked to me. Sometimes I really not sure I know you. I am really pleased you are getting help I think it goes back a long way as I remember the court case with Bails and how you just brushed that aside after. I think you are very very strong. What’s next ? Debs is back in Scotland and Sarah is with her, She did say when you were ready you could go and stay and she would hear you out.”  
“ That’s good thanks but if Debs is back in Scotland who is looking after Noah ?”  
“ Well he is old enough to look after himself , but family is taking care of him don’t worry. He misses you and is very worried.”  
“ Yes I know as soon as im ready I will see him. Then contact Ross to see Moses and maybe once im strong enough I will try and contact Ness and see if I can get visitation with Johnny. I don’t know how that will go as she hates me and said she never wants to see me again.”  
“ I m sure as time has passed she wont be as angry. Fingers crossed eh!.”  
“ Thanks Ryan and thanks for taking this all so well. You can ask me anything you like now and I will try to answer as honestly as I can.”  
It must have been an hour and a half later when I kissed Ryan goodbye. I made sure he understands that I don’t want him telling the family anything until I am ready and I think he will respect that. I hope so anyway. Im not ready to go to Scotland and I think I would need to talk to Lisa before I take that move as Debs and I have a very complicated relationship. Lisa has said that I should do this a bit at a time. I think that Noah is the next challenge.  
A week has passed since I saw Ryan and I have had the valuation for my half of the pub and I believe that Chas has found a buyer so I should get some money as soon as the paperwork is done. I think my priority is a home. I don’t want to waste it and I would love for the first time own my own home. I think I want to stay in Hotten there are some nice Victorian places not far from where I am living. They are terraced properties and I quite fancy a run down one on the block. I am sure I cant afford the nice ones. The one I have my eye on seems to be empty. I put a note through the door asking if I could buy the house. Well it cant hurt can it. I have picked up a few more shifts at the shop as the owner is wanting to take more time off now he has a new grandchild. So things are pretty good. If only there weren’t so many people I was missing so badly. I ache to see my boys and Ness. I worry about Debs and Sarah after all that happened. But I do feel I am getting stringer every day. Lisa seems pleased with my progress.   
The funds have finally come through and it is more than I thought and there is still my half of profits since I have been gone and half the stock to come. I actually had a reply to my note and it seems the chap who phoned is the grandson of the owner who sadly passed about a year ago in a nursing home. If I was prepared to wait for probate to be done and we could agree a price he would be happy to sell to me. Today I am meeting him there after I see Lisa. I am excited, I cant remember the last time I felt like this. Not since I was still with Ness. I miss her so much , I so want to share all this with her.  
Looking around the house, I fall in love with it. It still has the original features and needs complete modernization. As the grandson realizes that and is willing to be reasonable as there is no money owing on the house and he is the only family member. I am overjoyed when we agree on a price and its in my budget and I should have enough to do the work gradually. And I will still have quite a bit of money left. The house is run down and not in the best area, but I like it. Its near the park and not far from the shop or my new friends. That has been a surprise I never realized I needed friends before. But I really enjoy just hanging out with them.   
As I arrived at work later for the evening shift as the shop is an eight till late my boos asked to have a word. I walked into the back with him and he says he is really sorry but he is going to retire he has had enough of the long hours etc and he is of an age he wants to take it easier. It apparently has been on the market and no interest. He only wants to seel the lease to the shop as he is the owner of the building and is keeping the flat upstairs. I suddenly thought. “ How much is the Lease please?”  
“ Oh come on Charity its not really something you could afford I don’t pay you enough.” “ Actually I have sold my previous business recently so would you like to tell me “  
“ Oh god im sorry Charity I didn’t mean anything by that I never realized that you had a business.”   
“ Its ok why would you.” “ Well Charity I am asking 20,000 for the lease and then 6,000 per year .Is that something you would be interested in ?”  
“ Yes I think I would. Can you leave it with me till tomorrow I need to look at it properly. Can I see last years books.”  
Wow I didn’t see this coming . Is it possible that in one day I have realized one dream and a possible future. I went home after my shift and pore over the books for hours. Its not going to make me a fortune but even with staffing for a lot of shifts so im not working 12 hours a day it would be enough to live ok on and I find these days money is not the be all and end all. Love is what I need. My family is what I need.  
I am with Lisa telling her all my news and she is smiling at me. “ Ok I know I sound like an excited kid but I am “ I laugh .  
“ Its really good to see and you have a home and a project ( I know that house ) and a new direction. Charity its brilliant. How are you feeling now about your life.”  
“I feel great with everything I am achieving , I still miss my kids and Ness so badly but I guess im learning to live like this. My talk with Ryan went well and I have the chance to go to Scotland. My next step is Noah and he wont make this easy.”  
“ Well Charity im sure from his side he wont feel the need to be easy on you. But Charity you can do this just be honest with him.”  
“ Yes Lisa, The time is right now. I will phone him.”  
“ Hi Noah ! Its your Mum, I m so sorry you haven’t heard from me before. I have been doing a lot of sorting out after my awful actions. Would you be up for meeting me at all.”  
“ Hi Mum I have been very worried. I know you said not to, it isn’t that easy. Are you ok ?”  
“ Yes I am doing much better. I want to explain some stuff, Can we meet ?”  
“ Ok Mum where and when”………………….To Be continued


	6. Chapter

Chapter 6 

“Can we meet tomorrow in Hotten at the café I will text you the address. Can you get the bus as I haven’t got a car yet but im working on it.”  
“ Ok Mum . I will see you at 12.30 tomorrow. You can buy me lunch”  
“ Of course at least you will have to sit there and eat while I try to explain.”

Its now 12 and im so scared im not going to be able to make him believe I love him. Noah of all my kids has had the roughest time. I know Debs hasn’t had a great time but she is older and had her own life when things were going badly for me and Noah has had such an up and down life with me. It doesn’t help that he never had his Dad like Debs did. I think he was closest to Ness as far as my partners goes and he lost her because of me too. As I start to make a move to go and meet him I remember the words that Lisa said yesterday “ all you can do is be completely honest with him and even if he doesn’t want to forgive you straight away he might well think on it. Give him time “. And I can still hear Ness telling me that he loves me.” What on earth would I do with out her voice telling me that iam not all bad. I find it amazing now that now we are apart I am finally seeing and believing the things she used to tell me. I miss her so much it still hurts and some nights I still want to drink myself to oblivion . The difference is now I don’t act on it.  
As I enter the café Noah is already there and sitting at a table with a coke in front of him.  
“ Hi Babe, Can I get you some food”  
“ Do you wanna sit down and we can look at the menu Mum.”  
“ Ok How have you been Noah ? There is a lot I want to try to explain to you.”  
“ Im ok, I want to hear you out, You look better but im still a bit angry and hurt about some of the stuff you did.”  
“ I can understand that babe and you have every right to be . What do you fancy to eat.”  
After I placed the order I look at my little boy who is now anything but.  
“ I don’t suppose you have seen anything of Moses?”  
“ I have actually and he misses you too Mum. Ross has been great and so have the family.”  
“ Im so pleased he has seen you , I bet you both still miss Johnny and Vanessa too. Im so very sorry. Im gonna explain this to you fully as I know you aren’t a kid anymore even if you are still my little boy. When I was younger than you my Mother killed herself as my Dad was such a drunken brut, He told me she died of cancer. From my point of view she just disappeared. My Dad treated me very badly telling me I was useless and he didn’t want me around and Mums death was my fault. I should imagine some of this sounds familiar to you. I cant believe without meaning to I became him when I was really hurt and in pain. The first real pain was having Debs and having her taken away. You already know what happened after that and thinking Ryan had died. From there I married your Dad. But I did that for money. It was money I went on the streets for , I never wanted to be that vulnerable and desperate for money again. So I married it. Of course that never worked out and I went from marriage and relationship to the next trying to find security thinking it would make me happy. The problem Babe was it didn’t and I felt empty in that respect. Please don’t doubt that I loved all you kids all the time. It was cause I had never had love that I felt empty and not love from you kids but Love as in a partner that loved me and made me feel whole. Then as you know I met Ness and even you saw the change it made. I was so happy I stupidly thought it was all her the changes in me and when she wasn’t there and ill my insecurities came racing back and I started to convince myself she didn’t love me anymore because I honestly believed no one really could. So that idiot Mac hit my car and flirted with me the day after she didn’t come home and I ended up kissing him. I felt terrible and you know the rest. The pain I have felt from loosing them both is something I have never had before and I just couldn’t cope. I was back to feeling useless and empty. I made so many mistakes and pushed you all away and I really am so sorry. But I am now getting help and building my life back up and I really need you kids in my life. I have seen Ryan and spoken to Debbie and will visit her when I can. You deserved better Noah but I love you and I need you in my life. Do you think you can ever forgive me ?”  
“ Wow I didn’t know a lot of that Mum. I do love you and I understand most of what you have said. I need some time as I really was angry with you for what happened but I also see we were really hard and cruel to you when you needed help. Sorry for that.”  
“ No need Noah , im supposed to be the adult. I have sold my shares in the pub and managed to buy a run down house im doing up bit by bit and also hoping to have a small business of my own soon. I think im gonna stay here now . I don’t think I want to return to the village . I guess at some point Vanessa will return and I really don’t think I can see her every day getting on with her life without me.”  
“ Do you still love her and Johhny.?”  
“ More than I can say babe, She was it for me. I haven’t even considered going out with anyone since I left the village.”  
“ Thanks for lunch Mum and I do forgive you , We can rebuild us if we both try.”  
“ Thank you babe, that’s all I want . Next I need to see Moses and try and arrange with Ross getting to see him here at my house, Next time you come you can see it. Maybe after sorting having Moses I will try to contact Ness and see if I can get to see Johnny.”  
“ Ok Mum I best get going now I will text you in a couple of days and arrange to come again.”  
As I watched Noah leave I breathed a sigh of relief, I had another go with him and that’s all I needed. While I was feeling good I phoned Ross as I walked home.   
“ Hi Ross , Its Charity this is my new number can you contact me, I would really like to see Moses. Thanks “  
It was two days later he phoned back and sounded strange like the connection was bad. Once we had sorted the next time we could get time to meet he agreed to bring him over. I was so happy and finished the call feeling really positive about life at the moment.  
I had an appointment with Lisa before I met Ross so had chance to talk to he about it all and she seemed pleased it was all starting to fit back together and assured me I was doing well.  
The day is here for me to see my little munchkin. I have missed him so much. I wont need to tell him everything at least. Meeting again in my fav café , I feel comfortable there and that helps with these meetings. I know it will get easier. Yesterday I signed the lease to take over the shop , so im feeling kinda proud of myself and excited to see Moses. Sitting looking out the window and looking up the street, I didn’t notice two little boys pushing the door and coming in. Suddenly they bounce up to be and yell hello.  
“ Johnny ? Moses where is Ross ?” looking around and the shock setting in as I see Vanessa walk into the café. Iam lost hugging the boys that I have missed so badly and only after a few minutes look up into blue eyes.  
“ Ness , My god what are you doing here ?”  
“ I bought Moses and Johnny to see you and explain some things, im going to get myself a drink , do you want another. What do you two want ?”  
“ I…I…Im fine thanks, I just don’t understand.”  
“ Just wait a minute and I will bring you up to date. Ok ? “  
I sit there making faces at the boys and laughing with them, all the time half an eye is on the woman I love so much. She looks stunning I cant believe she is here.  
“ There you go boys. Right I got yours to go, and remember what I said I need to talk to mummy Charity and you are going over to the park with Noah. He is outside the door now. Run along and we will join you really soon.”  
I look up and there is Noah , smiling he waves to me then taking the hands of each boy walks over to the park.  
“ Charity, this isn’t about us , this is about the boys ok.”  
“ Of course “ I say still feeling very shaky.  
“ I returned to the village about a week after you went missing. Debbie had gone back to Scotland an I took over Jacobs fold. I have been with the boys all this time. I asked the kids not to tell you till I was able to come and see you in person. After about a month Ross and I were doing the usual hand over of Moses and he asked if we could talk. I still had no idea where you were or if you were ever going to contact us. Ross asked if I could take over with Moses as he was taking Rebecca away abroad. She has been getting worse and he just cant cope. So I have Moses ever since. I was very pleased when Debs and Ryan said you had been in touch and then when Noah came back the other day. I am sorry I took Johnny from you , I just was so angry and hurt back then. I want you to see him as regularly as you want now if that’s ok “.  
“ Oh Ness thank you so much , you have no idea what that means to me.”  
“ Well I think I might do as I missed all of them when I was away . I obviously heard about the things that happened after we split up , having spoken to the other kids they have assured me you seem to be getting things together again. I hope that’s true for your kids sake.”  
“ I am Ness I really am. There are somethings I want to talk to you about please.”  
“ As I said Charity this is for the boys only, Think you need to go see them in the park, I will give you some time with them. I need some shopping Noah knows where the car is and he can bring them there Ok ?”  
“ Thank you. I still love you Ness and miss you so much.”  
“ Charity.”  
With that warning voice she left the café and I just sat there watching her walk away again. I got up and walked over to the park. Hey boys and they come running over , so pleased to see me and we play and have cuddles and laugh so much until Noah says its time he should take them back. I ask him to get Ness to phone to arrange another time I can have them and thank him for everything.  
As I watch them walk away too I feel lost. I walk home slowly and sit on the sofa and for the first time for a few weeks the tears fall as I take in the fact that Ness has been taking care of my boys even after everything I did.

To be continued……


	7. Chapter

Chapter 7 

Its been a week since Vanessa came to see me and Johnny and Moses are coming to stay today. I am so excited to see the boys and a part of me is hoping that she brings them. Finding out that Ness has been looking after their boys since just after she left has been humbling. The fact that after everything she has done Ness still cared enough to do that. I have wondered if that means she may still love me. Might there really be a chance for them. Its that hope that she has spoken a lot about to Lisa in the past week. Lisa of course has told her she just needs to concentrate on herself before she can think about how Ness is feeling.   
Later in the day the boys arrive, its amazing to see their smiling happy faces. Its Ryan that drives them over. I’m not sure if that means anything. At least he is impressed with the house and she talks him through what she has done so far and her plans for the rest. He is very impressed. I cant help but be proud of what I have done. The kitchen is really starting to look as I want it and I have painted the bedrooms ready for the boys stay tonight. Im as excited as them as I have done both of their rooms in their favourite characters.   
When the boys see their rooms they are saying they are moving in with me and never going back to Jacobs Fold. I have to calm them down and explain that they live with Ness and their rooms will be there when ever they are here with me. Realising I might have made life difficult for Ness I write a quick text to her saying about their reaction to their rooms, and saying sorry. I hope she is ok and hope to see her next time. I just hope that doesn’t sound to desperate Even if I am.  
I am playing in the back garden with the boys half an hour later when my phone buzzes with a text. I pick my phone up and its from Ness, my heart still beats faster at just the thought of her sending a text. God how sappy am I .   
“ That’s so sweet, I’m sure they love it and don’t worry they will know from me that they can come to you as much as we can manage. I am busy at work as we are thinking of opening another practice locally and I some how agreed to look into it. I cant really say if I will bring them next time. x   
Is it weird that the most important part of that text for me was that little kiss at the end. The boys have had dinner and after all the excitement and running around in the garden they are sleepy. Funny they are quite happy to go to bed in their new rooms. Once I have read several stories they finally give up trying to stay awake and sleep. Back down in the lounge sitting on the sofa with cup of tea I re read Ness’s text. I so want to believe she still feels something for me. I really want to talk to her about what happened. I know when I saw her last she said she was only there for the boys and I get that but I want to talk to her properly about us. So I think its time to be brave. I send a text to Ness  
‘ Hi thanks for being understanding about the boys rooms . I would really like to see you . I feel there are many things I need to tell you. I am not expecting anything Ness but I want you to know about what happened. I really hope you can find a way to hear me out x ‘  
I cant stand the waiting for a reply after I sent that I just sent. I think its about 30 minutes before my phone buzzes again. ‘Charity im not really sure im ready to hear what you want to tell me. Its been a really hard the past year . I will meet you, but please don’t expect anything to change.’  
‘ I understand Ness and thank you for agreeing to see me. This is the address and will explain everything x   
‘ Thanks I will let you know when I can get over x   
I finally breath. Ness has agreed to see me. I cant even explain how happy that makes me. Im looking forward to a hectic boy filled day tomorrow. Life definitely seems to be looking better.  
The morning is lovely and the boys are running around the garden before I even get breakfast in them. They love the space this house comes with. I am picking up a set of swings next week I found on Gumtree , just waiting for a mate to give me a hand with his van. Next thing I get must definitely be a car. The shop is doing well as I have managed to get some more lines in and re organise so its easier to move around. I also have offers each week and that has increased to takings. Its funny I never realised how much I enjoy running a business. I think with the pub it was the shifts I wasn’t keen on unless Ness was there. But having got enough staff I don’t really have to do any shifts only be there for stock and planning , wages and that sort of thing.   
It means I have had plenty of time renovating my house. Its so amazing to be watching the boys running around the grass outside and laughing. Noah is coming over after college on Wednesday and that was his idea so I am hopeful things are on the up with him. I am also talking most weeks to Debbie now and Sarah and Jack. Ryan comes over quite a bit and has helped set up systems for the shop and a website I can post offers on and a facebook page. I am due to see Lisa tomorrow and I can not really believe how things have changed over the last six months and seeing her and being honest has been one of the biggest part of that. All I need now is Ness back. Lisa has said not to get too excited about it as it might not be what Ness wants and I know she is right . I just cant imagine my life without her. At worst maybe we can be friends.   
Wednesday comes and Noah loves the house and is amazed there are four rooms and one is his if he ever wants to stay and I explain more about the last six months and how hard I have worked. He says I am different and even Ness commented when she had seen me the other week. I feel warm all over when he tells me that. “ Noah you don’t have to tell me , but is Ness seeing anyone ?” “ I don’t think so Mum , if she is I have no idea when as she is always home looking after us or at work.” That actually makes me feel guilty and a little relieved. He leaves in time for the last bus back to Emmerdale and as he leaves he asks if im going to come back there. “ I don’t think so love , I have made a life here and im only 20 minutes away. I have nothing there anymore bab.”  
“ See you next week Mum.”  
I see Lisa on Thursday and we agree that probably once a week now would be ok as I am doing so well. She had thought I could stop but as I still have to resolve some issues ie. Ness and my other family members, she wants to make sure I cope ok.   
Its on the evening of Thursday that my text buzzes and its Ness. ‘ I can get away tomorrow evening if that would work for you ?’  
‘ That would be good, you have the address, I just don’t want to do this in a public place, Thank you x ‘  
‘ I understand, its time we talked x ‘  
Seeing that Kiss on the end makes me smile again. I start running around the house looking to see if everything looks as good as possible. I have a couple of pictures of us in the lounge and one next to my bed. I am not going to take them down. I also have pictures of all my kids around too . I was determined to make my first real home of my own just that a place where I was comfortable. I knew no one could take this from me. For the first time in my life I feel secure. Even with Ness I always felt it wouldn’t last and I would loose her and so this feeling of security is new for me and very welcome. All I want is my family back and the woman I love beyond words back by my side. And I feel if that is at all possible I will finally feel like her equal. 

To be continued…….


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 

Friday seems to be going on forever, the shop is busy and I am in my office sorting the wages for everyone. The only problem is I keep getting interrupted and I also cant stop thinking about seeing Ness later. Somehow I get through and finish them. I get home just after 5 pm , that just gives me 2 hours to wait. I take a shower and put clean jeans and a shirt on. I certainly don’t want to look like im going to seduce her. I would if I thought that would work. I know I need to be completely honest and some of it wont be easy to say.  
7pm arrives and im sitting in the lounge waiting when I hear a knock at the door. I get up and try to steady myself and open the door. My breath catches as I see Ness standing there.   
“ Hey “ “ Hey Ness , come in do you want a cuppa or something stronger.”  
“ Tea will be ok thanks. I think I need a clear head and im driving. It’s a really big house, can you afford to rent this ? “  
“ I actually own it, long story and all part of what I want to tell you.”  
“ Wow, its really nice I love the back garden.”  
“ I have done most the work myself and still lots to do. I have plans for some other things, but I need to get a car next. Please sit down and make yourself comfortable. Let me say first, I am not expecting anything from this, I just need you to know everything that took place. And then I would really like you to tell me about what’s happened and happening in your life if you want to. All I ask is you let me say everything without any interruptions cause you have no idea how hard this is gonna be, I just need you to know ok?”  
“ Yeah I think I can do that. The floor is all yours Charity.”  
Im gonna go back to when I left you at your Mums. The first few weeks were difficult but we spoke every day several times a day and I felt ok, I did miss you like crazy of course and I was worried about your treatment and how you were but with Covid it was the best we could do. I was so looking forward to you coming home the first time and when your Mum fell I was gutted but I understood you needed to be with her. Then you weren’t answering my calls as much and I knew you had your hands full with your Mum , but I felt a bit more a drift and that feeling just grew as the weeks went on you became more and more distant. Please don’t misunderstand im not blaming you I know you had a lot going on. The surprise for our anniversary meant a lot to me but it wasn’t enough to stop the thoughts that were haunting me by then. I was coping with the day to day , I just wasn’t sleeping very well and my mind had started its usual doubts and insecurities. I don’t know if you realise but I always expected you to realise who I was and leave. The break up we had before that Christmas just proved me right and even though I got you back I still thought it was just a matter of time. So when I came to see you at the hearing for Johnny I was so happy I was gonna see you . Then you were cold and distant and didn’t come home with me. Going back to the house that afternoon was so bloody hard, telling everyone you weren’t coming and not being able to say why. I told Rhona and Tracy that I believed you just didn’t want me anymore or worse you had found someone else. The following day I was sat in my car crying and looking at pictures of you on my phone wondering whether to phone you or if you would even pick up. I decided to call you later and drove out of the layby. It was at that point that Mack drove into me and I got out and we shouted at each other for a while, but he turned it to flirting and stupidly I went along with it so I could get my car paid for. Then he kissed me and for about 2 seconds I kissed him back , then pulled away and felt like crap and ashamed. I drove back and got the message you wanted me to phone and the rest you know . After you finished it I went to pieces and I stayed drunk for probably 2 months straight by which point Noah and Sarah had moved to Cain and Moira’s and I had left Moses with Ross. I feel ashamed of how I just let go of everything but I just didn’t know how to cope with the pain of losing you and then Johnny. From that came all sorts of stupid and destructive behaviour that I excel at. I have to tell you that around that time I was involved in a couple of scams , I hadn’t been working in the pub so money was getting tight and Christmas was coming so I wanted some quick cash. Mack kept pursuing and I had turned him away many times but one day after we had a successful scam he was in the mood to celebrate and I again said no, then after another drink I thought oh what the hell, you weren’t coming back and I just needed to feel less pain, so I slept with him and I immediately felt sick and discussed in myself. I also felt like I had cheated on you again and I told him it was a one off.   
I then tried to mess up Chas and Paddy’s wedding cause they had no right to be happy. None of the family were particularly interested in helping me and had all washed their hands of me including Noah. I tried buying him back with good presents but I knew that wasn’t enough. Around then Diane came to see me and really showed me some kindness. It helped for a little while. Then Debbie came back cause Sarah was back seeing Danny and she was not at all happy. Long story short she was seeing Al without knowing he was engaged to Priya and everything went tits up for her. She also had a lot to say about me. It ended with her throwing me out of Jacobs Fold. I moved into the pub and of course Chas wasn’t exactly happy. I was drunk again most the time. There didn’t seem to be any reason to be sober. Al saw the state I was in and played me for a fool . To be fair I was one and told him all about Priya and Debbie’s plan to ruin him. I also came on to him. Thank god he didn’t take me up it but the snake had recorded all of it and when everyone heard it Debbie said she wanted nothing to do with me again. I had alienated Noah by ruining his chance to go in the army and he said he hated me, Sarah told me she would rather I was dead as Debbie left again and Chas through me out of the pub. It was at that point I left the village. I lived on the streets once I had run out of money and I really contemplated working there too. But all the time I was on the streets I kept hearing your voice when I needed it and I didn’t do anything. I was beaten up once and when I was cold and trying to sleep on a bench a lady stopped and offered me a cup of hot tea and I agreed. Her name is Lisa and she turned out to be a counsellor , again I heard you telling me things and decided I would take the opportunity to change things. That was all six months ago now and life has changed so much. She has been amazing and I understand so much stuff about myself now. Im so sorry for ever hurting you and none of this is an excuse. I will never stop loving you, you are it for me. I am so grateful you are letting me see Johnny now thank you Ness.”  
“ Wow Charity I had no idea just how bad it had been for you. Obviously I was very very angry with you and hurt beyond anything I have ever known. Tracy had convinced me you had had an affair , during a chat with Rhona she told me you weren’t doing very well and also explained about Mack and assured me it wasn’t an affair. I was still angry but agreed to come back. When I got there you had already gone and no one knew where you were. I took over Jacobs fold so Belle could go home. Then Ross wanted to go away for a few months to help Rebecca and I said I would have Moses too. I came back for the kids and I was worried about you. Its great to see you back on your feet and starting to get your life together. I am glad in some small way that I helped by you remembering things I said in the past. I know you were more insecure than you should have been but I never realised how bad it was. I am also sorry I didn’t handle being at my Mums better. And I suppose as you have been so honest I do love you and probably always will. Its just so much has happened and I really don’t think I can trust you again. I don’t think I could survive having you break my heart again Charity. I’m pleased we have had a chance to say this to each other and maybe sometime in the future we might be able to be friends. Right I think I should go now.”  
“ Ok, thank you for hearing me out. I am a different person now Ness, when have you ever known me to be that honest with you ? “  
“ Yes that is actually true , How did you get the house, was that from a scam ?”  
“ No Ness as I said I have changed, when I started seeing Lisa three times a week , she got me a room in a house to live in and once I had had a few months with her I realised I wasn’t going back to Emmerdale so I asked Chas to sell my half of the pub and then I met the guy whose Dad had owned this house and we got chatting and I asked to buy it. We agreed a fair price because of the condition and I used the money from the pub. I also had enough left over to buy the lease on the shop I had been working in . So I now have my very own business too.”  
“ Oh im sorry Charity , you have just told me you had sorted yourself out and I assumed you were the same. Im really sorry.”  
“ Ness I am totally different , but obviously some things are the same , like the way I love you.”  
“ I need to go, Thank you.”  
And with that I watched her walk away from me again.

To be continued…..


	9. Chapter

Chapter 9 

Its been three weeks since Ness came to see me and we talked and I haven’t heard a word from her. Not a text or a voice mail, Nothing at all. Either Ryan or Rhona drop the boys off when im due to have them. I wish I knew what to do to change this. I have spoken at length with Lisa about it and she says that I need to be prepared for it not changing. I just know when she was here nothing had changed for me and I love as much as I always have and miss her so much. Its funny until I actually saw Ness again I really believed I could do all this life stuff and I can most the time. Its just im so lonely without her and nothing else will do. So I still have no intension of moving on. What would be the point it wont be her.  
Im just sat in the front garden on my bench waiting for the boys to be dropped off and at least I know while they are here it will be easier. I see Rhona’s car come round the corner and a walk to the gate, She has Leo with her too and they all look hot. I call out thanks to Rhona and ask as its hot and the boys can play out in the back garden would she like a cold drink before setting off back to the village.  
“ Actually Charity that would be very welcome its been a difficult day.”  
“ Vanessa’s ok isn’t she “  
“ Oh yes she is fine Charity, just been hectic at the farm and then running the boys up here.”  
“ Sorry Rhona, I should have a car soon and I can pick them up, save Ness having to get you or Ryan to bring them cause obviously she doesn’t even want to see me at a distance.”  
Rhona just looked at me strange and said “ I don’t think that is the problem. She has been quite quiet since she saw you last and wont tell me about it, not that im being nosey, Im sorry I didn’t help when you needed someone. I wasn’t in favour of Ness not coming home regardless of what happened and I think to be honest Charity she wishes she had.”  
“ I appreciate that Rhona and I know you told her I didn’t have an affair. She said to me that day that she had thought she was different and I wouldn’t cheat and now she knew she was just the same as the rest. She never was, she has always been different . I still love her so much and I told her so. Sorry Rhona you don’t need me bleeding all over you. Its my stupid mistakes. At least I got help and im on my feet again.”  
“ Yes im amazed how well you have done, but when you were together Charity I reralised you aren’t the person everyone said you were and the crap you have been through. I don’t know if you are aware that Marlon and I are back together and its really going well. He bought your share of the pub. But he feels bad that the family turned their backs on you. He even said the other day he misses you. I do too , don’t laugh.”  
“ Oh im pleased for Marlon and you two Wow that’s great. Tell him not to worry about me. I have everything I want except Ness and that’s not up to me.”  
2 Right I better go and get Leo home so I can feed him. Thanks for the drink and the chat. It is nice to see you Charity , you look well and please don’t give up on Ness.”   
“ I don’t think I could even if I wanted to , See you. Drive safely.”  
I have checked on the boys and started making tea for them, Im thinking maybe Ness has said something to Rhona about how she feels. Then she did tell me herself she still loves me , she just cant trust me. Oh god I would do anything to be back with her…anything.  
The boys went home last night and im sitting reading my new book and unusually having a very small glass of wine. Its rare I bother but I have it under control and I only ever drank to excess to dull the pain at times in my life.   
There’s a knock at the door and im about to tell whoever it is to sling their hook when I open the door and Ness is stood there looking sheepish.  
“ Hey Charity, do you mind if I come in I need to talk to you.”  
“ Are the boys ok, They were alright here honestly . I didn’t do anything to them.”  
“ Its ok Charity I know and the boys are fine. I want to talk to you about some stuff from the past year. I think I owe you that much.”  
“ Come in Ness don’t stand on the doorstep, I wont bite.”  
“ Shame , oh god sorry that just came out , old habits.”  
I had to laugh she looked so embarrassed and red. Im not sure she could have made herself any more uncomfortable if she had tried. She looked ill at ease when she arrived anyway.  
“ Vanessa just relax, I realise you didn’t mean it like that. If you had you might have made some kind of contact over the past three weeks since I bared my soul to you.”  
“ Actually Charity im sorry about that. It was a lot to take in , a bit like when I arrived back in the village and started hearing all the goings on. But I should have at least texted you and asked if you were ok. That cant have been easy for you to tell me all that. Anymore than the things I have to tell you will be.”  
“ Mmm not sure I like the sound of this, Do you want a drink . I have opened a bottle of wine if that would help or I can make you a cuppa ?”  
“ I think I will take the wine please.”  
When I had returned and im sat looking at the gorgeous woman I love so much I cant imagine what she is about to tell me. Bit im scared its that she has moved on or doesn’t really love me anymore.  
“ Look Charity I understand how hard it was for you to tell me everything so I must do the same. When I saw you at the hearing I knew I had my appointment the next day and I loved you so much for doing all that for Johhny , but I too was very aware of the distance that had happened and it was mainly caused by me. I got it into my head that if the treatment hadn’t worked I would be better away from you and let you get on with your life. I didn’t want to put you through anymore pain as I know I wasn’t exactly easy or very rational when all this was going on before Covid hit. I do love you more than you know and I really truly believed I should let you go if I was dying, you know how negative I had been. I just didn’t think I was going to survive. So I started pushing you away while I was at my Mums. Then I got the all clear and I was completely elated until I got the picture from Tracy. I just couldn’t believe you would do that to me, to us and our family. I think it hurt even more cause for the first time I knew I didn’t have to let you go. I have already told you I know I should have come home. The day after the picture I had Tracy on the phone telling me she saw the pair of you. I now know that again that wasn’t as he made it out and I have met him a few times, seems his only purpose in life is to wind people up and cause trouble for everyone. God I need another glass if I may “  
“ Yes no problem, I can always get you a cab or drive you back in your car.”  
“ Thank you. You might not want to. After you visited me the night after I ended it, about a week actually I had got myself a part time vet gig near Mums to stop me being there with her all day. I went to a gay bar with a couple of the girls there . They knew I was upset and that I had been ill, Not all the details but some and they wanted to cheer me up. I met a woman called Jill and she made me laugh and feel attractive again. Long story short we started dating and I have been seeing her since. It wasn’t easy when I moved back to the village but we still traveled to see each other when we could. I kept it away from the boys as I thought they had been through enough. When I found out you had disappeared I was so worried about you and to be honest Jill wasn’t very pleased with how much time worrying about you took up and im fairly sure she resented it. But she did have a contact at the Hotten drop in center and I met with her and talked to her about you and how worried about you I was. That was Lisa Charity, I asked if she could look around for you as I hoped that’s where you had gone. She has never broken confidentiality and told me right from the start she wouldn’t . I didn’t tell her anything about you just that I thought you were in a bad way and possibly living rough. I did know you didn’t have any money. I just hoped she might find you if you were on the streets.”  
“ What gave you the bloody right to interfere in my life   
Ness, How could you go behind my back like that.” I just couldn’t take this in. The love of my life is with someone and then she tries controlling my life too.  
I have run into the back garden I cant take this all in. That lovely lady I told things I have never told anyone was sent to me by Vanessa. Hang on though , that helped me. I realise that isn’t really the part that’s eating me up…Its Jill.  
Lisa turned my life around or helped me do that. I start to calm down and just as my breathing starts to slow I feel a gentle touch at the base of my back.  
“ Please Charity don’t be angry I had to do something. Honestly when she found you she phoned and said just that. That she had found you and you were ok and safe. That’s all she told me , please don’t be angry at her. If you must be angry then be angry at me.”  
“ Oh for gods sake Vanessa that’s not what’s tearing me apart. You really can be a stupid cow sometimes.”  
With that I stepped away from her touch , but I felt her also take a step and remain close to me. Then in a very soft and gentle voice she said  
“ Charity I have never stopped loving you and although Jill helped for awhile I think she always knew I was still in love with you. When I went home three weeks ago and told her I could not see her anymore. It was no great surprise , once I moved back we hadn’t seen a lot of each other and even less after I first saw you again. I have no idea how to trust you Charity but I cant imagine my life without you. Can you forgive me ?”  
I turned to see her standing there looking up at me with tears streaming down her gorgeous cheeks. So I did the only thing I could think of.  
I took her face in my hands gently and kissed her.

To be continued


End file.
